i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
