You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
