I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
