I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
