In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
