can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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