i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
