I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
