Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
