My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
