I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
