My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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