I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
