i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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