I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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