hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
