Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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