My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
