Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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