She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize