I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
