Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
