hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize