Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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