I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Who died my cat blue again?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
