i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
