So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
