Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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