well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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