Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Randomize
