Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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