I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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