Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
