I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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