I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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