I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
