I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
