So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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