when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
