so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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