true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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