thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
