Christians are straight up FREAKS
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
