Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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