Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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