my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
