I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
