just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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