I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
