i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
