she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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