Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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