why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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