you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize