yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
