Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
