Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize