somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm like, not good at living.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
