it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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