Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
